Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out on July 21, 2007. That's right: to SPOIL our wedding day. If I see any of our guests with copies in the middle of the ceremony or reading it instead of dancing at the reception, I'm going to be pissed. To prevent this from happening, I'll just go ahead and tell you everything you need to know about the book. But first, a recap:
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: Lord Voldemort tries to kill Harry Potter as a baby, but instead only gives him a scar that attracts red-haired gay guys. Harry learns the game Quiddich, in which you waste your time flying around on a broom until someone catches the "Golden Snitch" and wins. This would be like if you were watching the Broncos beating the Bears 35 to nothing at the end of the fourth quarter, but Refrigerator Perry catches a marble with 15 seconds left in the game, allowing the Bears to win. Except that, if this marble hadn't been caught, the game would keep going on.
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Philosopher's Bone.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: A character named Dobby does his finest Gollum impression and Harry and his friends fly around in a flubber-powered car, singing the theme to "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." The evil Lord Voldemort has trouble defeating Harry because he has been spending his time anagramming his name, finally giving up and settling on the "cheat" of Tom Marvolo Riddle.
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Marilyn Chambers Secrets.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Harry meets Sirius Black, who at first Harry thinks is either a satellite radio magically come to life or a spokesperson for the NAACP, but eventually realizes he is just another guy who is given an evil-sounding name to throw the reader off for a few hundred pages before revealing he's a good guy. Hermione, meanwhile, has a time machine that allows her to catch up on some of those AP classes she missed out on.
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Prisoner Who Asked a Man (To Have Sex With Him).
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: Though underage, Harry joins a wizards tournament that is so potentially fatal that you have to be seventeen to enter. It's pretty much like a rated R movie. Imagine if, during field day, Mrs. Rancifer replaced the three-legged race with an event where she has thrown your two best friends in the lake and you have to figure out which one to save. Hermione uses her magical lip gloss which makes all the boys declare that she is "poppin'."
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Port-o-Potty of Fire Island.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Hermoine forces a writer for the magazine The Quibbler to not publish those scandalous photos of her nude bathing on the beach with Ben Affleck "because it would devestate Harry." Harry, meanwhile, has bigger problems with Voldemort's attempt to build an army, one that will keep war going in the Middle East for another six thousand years, in spite of all the progress we've made.
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Snorter of the Penis.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Death Eaters appear and this is a bad thing, even though it seems like death-eating would be a good, life-giving thing. Eventually, Snape kills Dumbledore, obviously. Ron and Hermione almost hook up, but then don't because Ron remembers he's gay. Harry continues plotting the death of Voldemort by continuing his private school education.
Porn title: Harry Twatter and the Engorged with Blood Penis.
Porn title: Harry Twatter Has Intercourse with Hermione while Ron Watches from the Couch for a While Until His Erection Proves So Large That He Starts Touching It Until Hermione Gives Him the "Go-Ahead" and He Comes Over and Begins to Have Third-Input Sex with Her While Harry Encourages Him with Dirty Words Until an Owl Flies in and Finds Its Way Among Them, Kind of Like the Chicken-Fucking Scene in Pink Flamingoes, at Which Point Harry Receives Oral Sex from Hermione While Ron Moves His Penis Back and Forth Between the Two Inputs and Harry Calls Hermione a Chinese Finger Cuff Because He Has Just Watched Chasing Amy and Thought That Scene Was "Kick Ass," and Neither of the Boys Can Take It for Too Much Longer So Hermione Grabs What She Calls Their "Magic Wands" and Lets Them Finish on Her Chest in the Deathly Hallows.
When, in the fourth line of Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare wrote "From forth the fatal loins of these two foes / A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life," he allowed me to stop reading right there and then, saving me a world of trouble. I will do the same for you now:
Harry Potter finally has his last battle with Voldemort who had killed Lily and James Potter before Dumbledore and MGonagall are able to train him at Hogwarts as a Gryffindore, though it is thought he might also be a Slytherin, in spite of the Sorting Hat, because he spoke Parseltongue and disguised himself with Polyjuice Potion, so he has to stay with Muggles the Dursleys until he finds the Platform Nine and Three-Quarters where he meets Weasley and Granger and plays Quiddich where Snape seems to sabotage the game until meeting in the Forbidden Forest with Ferenze and Dobby and the Whomping Willow who directs them to Moaning Myrtle and the Basilisk, which is unlike a hippogriff but closer to a Dementor in Little Whinging, who are not to be confused with the Death Eaters, who then enter Harry in the Twiwizard Tournament -- or so Harry thinks, since Diggory, Beauxbatons, and the Durmstrang were really involved -- provoking Pettigrew to evoke a Priori Incantatem to bring about Cornelius Fudge and Sirius Black to fire Hagrid and Trelawney because Severus Snape taught Harry Occlumency to use in The Quibbler (or D.A.), but he Disappartes, taking Bellatrix with him until Scrimgeour becomes the new Minister for Magic, replacing Slughorn through his Imperius and Avada Kedavra Killing Curse until Voldemort meets Harry for the last time and Harry pulls out his magic wands and doesn't kill Voldemort because it would make him no better than he is, a kindness that "kills" Voldemort but also "releases" him from his evil and redeems him and shows that Voldemort was the evil in all of us while the person on the inside is just some guy.
Thank you, J.K. Rowling. Your clarity of focus has shined a bright light on children's literature and shown us all that -- with just a little bit of hoodlypoodling around with language and Capital Letters and names that sound evil like Snikolitus or just goofy like Giggenhofflewoggyparts -- any child can grow up to be a great storyteller.