Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Instructions for Becoming a Better Human

1. Choose your favorite mode of transportation. If you are like me, it will be a car. If you are more ambitious than me and you live in a city that has temperatures below 100 degrees, it will be your feet. If you are some kind of liberal hippie, it will be your bike.

2. Using that mode of transportation, leave your house or apartment or shack or tent or RV or whatever.

3. Choose your favorite bookstore. If you are liberal, it will be some independent thing. If you don't care, it'll be a Barnes & Noble. Maybe a Borders if you like to be different but still conventional. If you haven't been following my directions thus far, it'll be a click of a mouse button and amazon.com. Slacker.

4. Watch out for that dog. I think it's retarded; it's hard to tell with dogs.

5. Arrive at the bookstore.

6. Do not head for the coffee bar.

7. Point yourself in the direction of the fiction and literature. Maybe the new releases.

8. Find the writers whose last names begin with E.

9. Locate this book:

10. Rub it with your hand. Admire it. Check out the author's photo.

11. Flip through it. You'll probably get hungry. People are always eating tasty food in this book. You may notice my name in the back. The author thanked me because she's nice and I'm sometimes fancy.

12. Now head to the front and stand in line at the check out counter.

13. Wait patiently while the kids in front of you get their princess books.

14. Pay for the Pia book. This will be the best book you've bought in a long time.

15. Leave the store. Or you can go get coffee if you really still want to. It's not good for you, though. Especially the whipped cream. The caffeine's kind of bad, too. Why do you do that to yourself when you've just bought a great book? That should be enough for you. You're selfish, you know.

16. Head in the direction of home.

17. Once home, read the book. Fall in love with Pia all over again.

18. Order more for your friends and lovers.