Tuesday, April 24, 2007

More Reasons To Ditch the Un-Cool Cell Phone

Remember when Albert Einstein said that, if bees disappeared, man would have only four years of life left? Guess what's disappearing!

No one exactly knows the reason why, but we do know that bees don't seem to dig cell phones. They simply won't return to their hives if mobile phones are placed near them. This isn't solid proof of anything, of course, but why risk it? Everyone should wear this T-shirt and spread the word.

This was reported in The Independent yesterday:

"The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

"[It] has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned."

Cell phones suck dick. They do about one good thing by my count: they make it slightly easier to get in touch with someone if you get in trouble. Of course, it used to be easier to get in touch with someone from almost anywhere for only a quarter (that's 25 cents) at a time until the phone booths, like the bees, mysteriously began disappearing. Compare that to the "deal" of 50 bucks a month I heard advertized on TV a few minutes ago.

One minor convenience to this partial list of badness. Only ten things that suck about cellular phones:

1. Anyone can get in touch with you at any time. If you don't know why this is a bad thing, then you have a problem.

2. Another thing to become dependent on and addicted to, like this damn internet. Pair the two together and it's double addiction.

3. Shitty, pixilated photographs.

4. Poor Michael Richards.

5. "Text thumb" and other problems that arise from texting, including an even more loose grip of ones own language.

6. "An official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset" (The Independent). It is a tumor!

7. "Can you hear me now?" commercials.

8. Cell phones have become the #1 prop in music videos. The fact that they are considered fashion accessories is sad. Oh, and why did we have to watch that chick in Grindhouse text message her bf for fifteen minutes?

9. "Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts" (The Independent). Other small creatures that disappear.

10. "Blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives" (The Independent). This might also be one reason why, when I began teaching here five years ago, my students were brilliant. They wrote papers that amazed me. Now... well, I shouldn't talk about it in public like this.

Let's just save the bees, shall we?

Rusty W. Spell,
Proud Abstainer from Cell Phones Since 1975