Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Rusty's MySpace Quiz, for Those Who Missed It

1.Do you have any friends of the opposite sex?

No. Why would I? Girls are good for one thing and cannot be trusted as friends. When girls say hello to me, I kick them in the crotch and they get the picture. Whoever came up with this question has a sick, twisted mind.

2. Are you in a relationship?

Yes. I am situated in a chair in front of my computer screen, which -- in relation to my bookcase -- is about three feet.

3. When was the last time you kissed someone?

My brother and I French kissed the other night for like thirty minutes. We were watching Tango and Cash and the mood just hit us.

4. What is the best quality?

The Quality Inn.

5. Have you ever been cheated on?

I've been cheated in before... and it wasn't too bad.

6. Have you ever cheated on someone?

I once wrote the answers to test questions on someone's arm before the exam was given out, if that's what this question means.

7. When was your first serious relationship?

I lived inside my mother's body for almost a year and eventually came out of it through a special place that only my daddy was able to go, so I'd call that serious. This was in 1974/75. We're not as close anymore.

8. Who with?

I prefer The Beatles with. Or even The Rolling Stones with.

9. Have you ever had friends with benefits?

My friend Jimmy and I were the best of friends until they stopped giving him Medicaid.

10. What makes the opposite sex attractive?

I enjoy a well-placed vagina.

11. Do you have a crush?


12. Do you dream about your crush?

Yes, I dream about my crush all the time.

13. Is there someone you want to kiss?

Henry Kissinger. His name is Kissinger, so he's got to be good.

14. Have you ever kept a crush super secret?

Fortunately, I did keep a Crush Super Secret, which was my favorite kind of orange soda when they made it back in 1982. Unfortunately, I only kept one can, so once I open it and drink it, it's gone forever. They're selling on eBay now for $200 apiece.

15. Have you ever done something you regret?

I thought it would be cool to dig up some dead bodies, sew them together to create one new body, and conduct electrical experiments on this new creature to see if it would live. It did, and -- boy -- did I regret it like just the second that thing came to life. It ended badly: confrontation in the mountains. Long story.

16. Have you ever hurt someone?

My butt was hurting while ago, so I stole someone's baby from the grocery store to sit on. You just can't find pillows that are as soft as babies. But I think I hurt it because it's not breathing now. Though it does make it easier to sit on.

17. Has someone ever hurt you?

Skeet. Skeet hurt me.

18. Do you care about money?

Let's just say that I have a hundred dollar bill wrapped around my penis with rubber bands. At all times.

19. Were you ever with someone completely opposite of you?

At the risk of causing a rift in the space/time continuum, we never got together.

20. Do you miss someone?

Only when I close my eyes while I swing.

21. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Their Lincoln Town cars.

22. Have you ever had a crush on someone that was in a relationship?

I've got the hots for my aunt. I hate my Uncle Mike.

23. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

He forced me to right before he raped me.

24. What would be your perfect date?


25. Do you prefer holding hands or making out?

Helio Heat (tm). Big Disguised as Little. See Special Offer.

26. What's the best physical attribute?

Soft grass.

27. Lost someone?

Think it over with Twix.

28. How do you feel about long distance relationships?

I feel good about them, but then again, I'm a postman.

29. Do you want them to be smart?

I wasn't even sure that They existed until I put on these magic sunglasses. Then I saw the world for what it was. Every billboard and magazine just said things like "REPRODUCE" and "SPEND MONEY." And all of Them had skeleton faces. It was a real eye-opener. They are pretty smart, which makes them difficult to defeat sometimes, so -- no -- I don't don't want Them to be.

30. List one of the opposite sex you talked to.

I'm going to read this sentence again. "List one of the opposite sex you talked to." Hmm, let me try that again. List... list one of the opposite sex... one of the opposite sex? List one of the opposite sex you... talked to? List one of... I give up.

31. How many people have you dated since January?


32. Do you care if they share your religion?

Yes, I like for my religion to have all of its hair.

33. Have you ever said "I love you" and meant it?

If you say "I love you" and mean it, it summons up the Candyman. So, no, I haven't.

34. Do you believe in love at first sight?

There was once a man who was blind from birth. Doctors restored his sight at the age of 45, and the first thing he saw was Love. They took him to that Cirque de Soleil show with the Beatles music.

35. Do you think internet relationships can really work?

I think the Internet is still waiting for another Internet to come along, but when it does, I don't see why not.

36. When was the last time you slow danced?

That time I had to get out of a speeding ticket.

37. Does anyone have a crush on you?

My dog seems to really like me when I put peanut butter in the right place.

38. Do you want to get married?

Yes, because I think those tan lines on the ring finger look really cool.

39. Have you ever stalked someone?

If you're reading this, I'm stalking you. In fact, I'm outside your window right now. I'm doing a little Condor Bird dance. Go see. Afraid? No, really, go look. I'm doing a little Condor Bird dance and I'm wearing a tiny novelty cowboy hat and I have Bratz Dolls brand lipstick smeared all over my cheeks. Are you scared to look? No one's watching or paying attention. Wherever you are right now -- whether you're at home, at work, in the library, or sitting with your laptop across from your friend reading some of this aloud to them, or wearing that shirt that you like even though it shows too much of your belly when you lift your arm -- I'm stalking you. Find the nearest window. I don't know why you're so scared. You're my friend, aren't you? My MySpace friend? Why are you shaking? Go see me. See me do my little Condor Bird dance. I need you.

40. Has someone ever stalked you?


41. Have you ever done the love calculator?

Is that what they're calling it now?

42. Would you ever kiss someone in front of your parents?

Only if they joined in.

43. Have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex?

All the dipping I do is skinny.

44. Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex?

Yes, but I made sure the pastor from our church was in the middle, holding our genitals with each of his hands so that nothing funny or weird happened.

48. Would you date someone from another state?

Let's make one thing perfectly clear, right here, right now. I am from Mississippi. I only date Mississippians. Anyone from Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, or even that faggy District of Columbia can kiss my magnolia loving, mockingbird not-shooting, fresh fruit on the side of the road buying, controversial flag waving, cross in the front yard of a black person burning ass. All Mexicans welcome.

49. Would you be with someone with glasses?

Why would I want to encourage that weak trait by passing it on to my offspring? If you ask me, Hitler was just confused when he killed six million Jews. He was really just trying to get rid of people with glasses, and a large number of God's Chosen wore them, as you can see if you go to the Holocaust Museum and look at all the old frames on display.

50. Have you kissed someone in a resturant?

I kissed Chuck E. Cheese. It was perfectly sweet and innocent until he was all like "spit in my mouth" and stuff and I told him I didn't play those games.

51. Do you care if they drink?

Do I care if the somehow-plural "someone" that I may or may not have kissed in a restaurant drinks? I believe that's a personal question.

52. Smoke?

You just blew my mind with your Zen koan.

53. Have you ever been called a tease?

I do this thing where I pretend like I'm going to do a person's taxes by gathering up all their W2s and receipts and past forms and then don't do the taxes after all. It drives the girls wild.

54. Have you ever cried over someone who you were just "talking" with?

I was looking at DVDs at the Best Buy the other day and this guy kind of got in my way and he said "Excuse me" and I said "No problem." The next thing you know, I'm breaking down in tears. He puts an arm around me and asks what's wrong and I tell him I was being disingenuous by saying "No problem," that it was a big problem, that people get in my way at Best Buy all the time and it really bothers me, but that -- and here's the part that really got me -- he had the heart to say "Excuse me," to show he cared. We bawled in each others arms right there in the TV section next to the releases of She-Ra: Princess of Power and Voltron. I only felt a little bad later on when I slept with his girlfriend.

55. Have you ever liked someone from a different country?

I like Tony Blair quite a bit. He's charming and his hit show on C-SPAN is really fun.

56. Would you play with their hair?

Oh, god, I just farted. I hope no one can smell it.

57. Would you do anything for the person you like?

I would break nine of the ten commandments for the person I like. Sorry, but I'm not going to covet my neighbor's donkey for anyone.

58. Do you miss a past relationship?

I wish I still played with my little piggies like I used to.

59. What's really important to have in a relationship?

A garage full of National Geographic magazine, ordered by date.

60. Do you like getting massages?

Yes, I like getting massages: that is to say, more than one at a time.

61. Would you date someone that double popped their collars?

"Popped their collars" is slang for priests taking their collars off to sleep with little boys, right? If so, then yes, I would.

62. Do you like to cuddle?

What a beautiful final question. I do like to cuddle. Thanks for asking, questionairre. That was a smart question that provoked an insightful answer. I'll say it again: I do like to cuddle. You probably thought I was going to say no, but -- nope -- I said yes. Remember that time someone else answered this question and they too said yes? I bet you thought that would never happen again. You know when I like cuddling best? What's that, questionairre? You don't care? You don't want me to elaborate at all, just say "yes" or "no" or "dunno" or something like that? Gosh, sorry. I just thought that--what? Okay, no, it's okay. No, I'm not crying. No, really. It's okay, questionairre. I really just thought... hmmm? To Applebee's? Well, I guess their lite menu is pretty good sometimes. What? Too much information? Okay, okay, we'll just go. You drive.