Friday, March 23, 2007
I'll play Bridezilla for this post and talk about me and my wedding. It's my big day and it will be all about me and what better place to celebrate me and my princess-ness than The Parrot Jungle! If you're not from Miami, chances are you haven't heard of it, but it's been open for a billion years, is a tourist spot in Miami, something akin to a tropical zoo for birds with flamingos, parrots, wild animal shows, man-made waterfalls, and the like. They've got big ballrooms overlooking the water and downtown Miami, and it seemed just wacky enough for us.
On July 21st, this parrot will be hoisting a flag that says, "Carrie and Rusty are doing what gay people everywhere only dream of!"
This parrot can't make it, but Rusty will be challenged with balancing an umbrella on his head all through the ceremony, as shown below.
And there will certainly be three beauties at the wedding, this lady and her parrots. What'd you think I meant? Me, Rusty, and our favorite beauty, Noby?
Our bridesmaids, Noby, Tommy, and my brother, will all wear yellow one-piece bathing suits.
And all the guests, who love small-talk, will discuss the weather!
Then the guests will pose for pictures, as shown below.
Posted by Carrie at 5:09 PM
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
1.Do you have any friends of the opposite sex?
No. Why would I? Girls are good for one thing and cannot be trusted as friends. When girls say hello to me, I kick them in the crotch and they get the picture. Whoever came up with this question has a sick, twisted mind.
2. Are you in a relationship?
Yes. I am situated in a chair in front of my computer screen, which -- in relation to my bookcase -- is about three feet.
3. When was the last time you kissed someone?
My brother and I French kissed the other night for like thirty minutes. We were watching Tango and Cash and the mood just hit us.
4. What is the best quality?
The Quality Inn.
5. Have you ever been cheated on?
I've been cheated in before... and it wasn't too bad.
6. Have you ever cheated on someone?
I once wrote the answers to test questions on someone's arm before the exam was given out, if that's what this question means.
7. When was your first serious relationship?
I lived inside my mother's body for almost a year and eventually came out of it through a special place that only my daddy was able to go, so I'd call that serious. This was in 1974/75. We're not as close anymore.
8. Who with?
I prefer The Beatles with. Or even The Rolling Stones with.
9. Have you ever had friends with benefits?
My friend Jimmy and I were the best of friends until they stopped giving him Medicaid.
10. What makes the opposite sex attractive?
I enjoy a well-placed vagina.
11. Do you have a crush?
12. Do you dream about your crush?
Yes, I dream about my crush all the time.
13. Is there someone you want to kiss?
Henry Kissinger. His name is Kissinger, so he's got to be good.
14. Have you ever kept a crush super secret?
Fortunately, I did keep a Crush Super Secret, which was my favorite kind of orange soda when they made it back in 1982. Unfortunately, I only kept one can, so once I open it and drink it, it's gone forever. They're selling on eBay now for $200 apiece.
15. Have you ever done something you regret?
I thought it would be cool to dig up some dead bodies, sew them together to create one new body, and conduct electrical experiments on this new creature to see if it would live. It did, and -- boy -- did I regret it like just the second that thing came to life. It ended badly: confrontation in the mountains. Long story.
16. Have you ever hurt someone?
My butt was hurting while ago, so I stole someone's baby from the grocery store to sit on. You just can't find pillows that are as soft as babies. But I think I hurt it because it's not breathing now. Though it does make it easier to sit on.
17. Has someone ever hurt you?
Skeet. Skeet hurt me.
18. Do you care about money?
Let's just say that I have a hundred dollar bill wrapped around my penis with rubber bands. At all times.
19. Were you ever with someone completely opposite of you?
At the risk of causing a rift in the space/time continuum, we never got together.
20. Do you miss someone?
Only when I close my eyes while I swing.
21. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Their Lincoln Town cars.
22. Have you ever had a crush on someone that was in a relationship?
I've got the hots for my aunt. I hate my Uncle Mike.
23. Have you ever kissed a stranger?
He forced me to right before he raped me.
24. What would be your perfect date?
25. Do you prefer holding hands or making out?
Helio Heat (tm). Big Disguised as Little. See Special Offer.
26. What's the best physical attribute?
27. Lost someone?
Think it over with Twix.
28. How do you feel about long distance relationships?
I feel good about them, but then again, I'm a postman.
29. Do you want them to be smart?
I wasn't even sure that They existed until I put on these magic sunglasses. Then I saw the world for what it was. Every billboard and magazine just said things like "REPRODUCE" and "SPEND MONEY." And all of Them had skeleton faces. It was a real eye-opener. They are pretty smart, which makes them difficult to defeat sometimes, so -- no -- I don't don't want Them to be.
30. List one of the opposite sex you talked to.
I'm going to read this sentence again. "List one of the opposite sex you talked to." Hmm, let me try that again. List... list one of the opposite sex... one of the opposite sex? List one of the opposite sex you... talked to? List one of... I give up.
31. How many people have you dated since January?
32. Do you care if they share your religion?
Yes, I like for my religion to have all of its hair.
33. Have you ever said "I love you" and meant it?
If you say "I love you" and mean it, it summons up the Candyman. So, no, I haven't.
34. Do you believe in love at first sight?
There was once a man who was blind from birth. Doctors restored his sight at the age of 45, and the first thing he saw was Love. They took him to that Cirque de Soleil show with the Beatles music.
35. Do you think internet relationships can really work?
I think the Internet is still waiting for another Internet to come along, but when it does, I don't see why not.
36. When was the last time you slow danced?
That time I had to get out of a speeding ticket.
37. Does anyone have a crush on you?
My dog seems to really like me when I put peanut butter in the right place.
38. Do you want to get married?
Yes, because I think those tan lines on the ring finger look really cool.
39. Have you ever stalked someone?
If you're reading this, I'm stalking you. In fact, I'm outside your window right now. I'm doing a little Condor Bird dance. Go see. Afraid? No, really, go look. I'm doing a little Condor Bird dance and I'm wearing a tiny novelty cowboy hat and I have Bratz Dolls brand lipstick smeared all over my cheeks. Are you scared to look? No one's watching or paying attention. Wherever you are right now -- whether you're at home, at work, in the library, or sitting with your laptop across from your friend reading some of this aloud to them, or wearing that shirt that you like even though it shows too much of your belly when you lift your arm -- I'm stalking you. Find the nearest window. I don't know why you're so scared. You're my friend, aren't you? My MySpace friend? Why are you shaking? Go see me. See me do my little Condor Bird dance. I need you.
40. Has someone ever stalked you?
41. Have you ever done the love calculator?
Is that what they're calling it now?
42. Would you ever kiss someone in front of your parents?
Only if they joined in.
43. Have you ever skinny dipped with the opposite sex?
All the dipping I do is skinny.
44. Have you ever slept in the same bed as the opposite sex?
Yes, but I made sure the pastor from our church was in the middle, holding our genitals with each of his hands so that nothing funny or weird happened.
48. Would you date someone from another state?
Let's make one thing perfectly clear, right here, right now. I am from Mississippi. I only date Mississippians. Anyone from Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, or even that faggy District of Columbia can kiss my magnolia loving, mockingbird not-shooting, fresh fruit on the side of the road buying, controversial flag waving, cross in the front yard of a black person burning ass. All Mexicans welcome.
49. Would you be with someone with glasses?
Why would I want to encourage that weak trait by passing it on to my offspring? If you ask me, Hitler was just confused when he killed six million Jews. He was really just trying to get rid of people with glasses, and a large number of God's Chosen wore them, as you can see if you go to the Holocaust Museum and look at all the old frames on display.
50. Have you kissed someone in a resturant?
I kissed Chuck E. Cheese. It was perfectly sweet and innocent until he was all like "spit in my mouth" and stuff and I told him I didn't play those games.
51. Do you care if they drink?
Do I care if the somehow-plural "someone" that I may or may not have kissed in a restaurant drinks? I believe that's a personal question.
You just blew my mind with your Zen koan.
53. Have you ever been called a tease?
I do this thing where I pretend like I'm going to do a person's taxes by gathering up all their W2s and receipts and past forms and then don't do the taxes after all. It drives the girls wild.
54. Have you ever cried over someone who you were just "talking" with?
I was looking at DVDs at the Best Buy the other day and this guy kind of got in my way and he said "Excuse me" and I said "No problem." The next thing you know, I'm breaking down in tears. He puts an arm around me and asks what's wrong and I tell him I was being disingenuous by saying "No problem," that it was a big problem, that people get in my way at Best Buy all the time and it really bothers me, but that -- and here's the part that really got me -- he had the heart to say "Excuse me," to show he cared. We bawled in each others arms right there in the TV section next to the releases of She-Ra: Princess of Power and Voltron. I only felt a little bad later on when I slept with his girlfriend.
55. Have you ever liked someone from a different country?
I like Tony Blair quite a bit. He's charming and his hit show on C-SPAN is really fun.
56. Would you play with their hair?
Oh, god, I just farted. I hope no one can smell it.
57. Would you do anything for the person you like?
I would break nine of the ten commandments for the person I like. Sorry, but I'm not going to covet my neighbor's donkey for anyone.
58. Do you miss a past relationship?
I wish I still played with my little piggies like I used to.
59. What's really important to have in a relationship?
A garage full of National Geographic magazine, ordered by date.
60. Do you like getting massages?
Yes, I like getting massages: that is to say, more than one at a time.
61. Would you date someone that double popped their collars?
"Popped their collars" is slang for priests taking their collars off to sleep with little boys, right? If so, then yes, I would.
62. Do you like to cuddle?
What a beautiful final question. I do like to cuddle. Thanks for asking, questionairre. That was a smart question that provoked an insightful answer. I'll say it again: I do like to cuddle. You probably thought I was going to say no, but -- nope -- I said yes. Remember that time someone else answered this question and they too said yes? I bet you thought that would never happen again. You know when I like cuddling best? What's that, questionairre? You don't care? You don't want me to elaborate at all, just say "yes" or "no" or "dunno" or something like that? Gosh, sorry. I just thought that--what? Okay, no, it's okay. No, I'm not crying. No, really. It's okay, questionairre. I really just thought... hmmm? To Applebee's? Well, I guess their lite menu is pretty good sometimes. What? Too much information? Okay, okay, we'll just go. You drive.
Posted by Rusty Spell at 4:21 PM
Friday, March 16, 2007
Many of you have seen these already, but for those who haven't, here's the first "phase" of my new comic (which will not replace GLORY!blog staple and classic "Carrie," but will certainly surpass it in number) called Bible Stories. Phase One is the Creation of the Universe. I've already moved on to the Creation of the Earth. You can see them all here.
Posted by Rusty Spell at 9:19 PM
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
We know that Nancy Grace can do a better tribute to Anna Nicole Smith than we can, but we were very lucky to have met Anna Nicole when we went to Universal Studios a couple of years ago. She was so sweet and down to earth. She was a real treat. She even posed for this photo with Rusty. Rest in Peace, Anna. May you live on in Headline News clips and shitty Youtube-quality video.
Posted by Carrie at 6:46 PM
Monday, March 12, 2007
This morning I woke up thinking/dreaming of the Mississippi state flag. (I do my best thinking in the alpha stage of the morning. I've created a couple of games and about a dozen jokes that way.) Here's what it looks like now:
As you probably know, the flag is controversial because it contains the Confederate flag:
Image: "Another Salute To Racism"
In my dream/thought, someone's solution was to take out the Confederate flag from the Mississippi flag, and the joke was that what was left was just white--the group that caused all the trouble to begin with. So that was no good:
My proposal for the new flag, in the dream, was to include the black color along with the white color (and to take out the red, white, and blue altogether, since apparently being a US state wasn't part of the argument). The white would be on top (taking up the majority) and black on bottom (taking up the minority) to demonstrate that the whites, Mississippi, and indeed the rest of the south was originally built on the backs of black slaves. If people are screaming for the flag to show their "heritage," then this is what it truly is--oppression of a race. A sad reminder, but an honest one:
I also think it has a pretty modern feel to it, which is something else Mississippi's image desperately needs.
Of course, that's only if people truly want flags to represent something. My real proposal would be to get rid of flags altogether. Who needs them? Only Six Flags theme parks, as far as I can tell. Maybe dead presidents for a week at a time.
But if I had the opportunity to propose a design for Mississippi's offical flag that had nothing to do with racial tension, it would be this:
I've retained the original blue, white, and red from the old flag (because what counts is that Mississippi is part of the United States) but replaced any offensive symbols with the most pleasant Mississippi symbol imaginable--that of Mary Ann Mobley.
Mary Ann Mobley is a native of Brandon, Mississippi and became Miss America in 1959, the first Mississippian to do so. She's also one of the few Miss Americas to ever do much after winning her title, and do she did. Since 1959, she's been ubiquitous, appearing in Elvis movies, Super Password, The Smothers Brothers Show, Dead Like Me, The Match Game, Circus of the Stars, The Love Boat, and countless other shows, including a recurring role as the wife of Mr. Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes (showing that whites and black not only get along, but that blacks can be raised by whites).
Mary Ann is Mississippi's most precious resource and her beauty goes beyond notions of race, prejudice, war, pride, slavery, poverty, politics, and anything else that would prevent her from being the most appropriate symbol of the 20th state of the union.
If we can put aside our differences long enough to see it, I think we will all agree.
For your bonus edification, these are the two original Mississippi flags, before the state left the union:
Posted by Rusty Spell at 11:23 AM