Friday, January 05, 2007

Wedding Etiquette

Over the break, Rusty and I made a lot of headway in our preparations for our wedding, and along the way, we've learned a lot about the "rules" for having a successful wedding. I thought it'd be nice to share some of them here with you:

1. The most important things to think about, before you make any plans, are the gifts you will receive from your wedding guests. It is especially important, these days, since so many brides and grooms have not lived on their own before and will therefore need many household items. It is important that brides register for their wedding gifts in order to make sure that they receive the most useless things possible. You will definitely want to register for 20 shrimp forks, a fondue pot, two avocado mashers, a culinary torch for making creme brulee, and three horseradish graters. These items are essential for setting up a home and no registry will be complete without them.

2. It is a Southern tradition that the groom get his own cake at the wedding, since, as we all know, the wedding is really about the bride's mother. It is a nice gesture to let the groom have something that represents him on the big day. The groom's cake should be made in the groom's favorite flavor, whether chocolate, lemon, or booze. The shape of the cake should be fun, whimsical, and should represent some interest of the groom -- for example, the cake can be made to look like a football, a remote control, or the maid of honor's boobs. At the end of the night, an unmarried female guest can take home a small piece of cake and put it under her pillow. The legend goes that if she dreams of the groom that night, the two will have an affair that ruins the marriage and ends with the suicide of the bride and groom’s first child.

3. It is important to remember that this is the groom’s day. He is the prince. All attention should focus on him, and all groomsmen must make sure not to look better than him.

4. Now that you are planning the wedding, you need suddenly to make a huge deal about things you may never have noticed before, like do you have ribbons tie around your napkins? Do you have a shorter white table cloth to put over your longer white table cloth? Should your guests get crystal bells or almonds wrapped in tulle to throw away after the reception?

5. The people who sell you things for the wedding—-photographers, florists, DJs—-are called vendors. It is important to throw the word “vendor” around as much as possible when discussing and planning your wedding. Every time you use the word vendor you should feel in the know.

6. The wedding should look as ridiculous as possible. This is why you need four-foot tall flower arrangements on the table, blocking the views and conversations of the guests. You will also need to cover perfectly good chairs in wads of white fabric, with huge bows tied on the back. Now you know about chair covers.

7. Brides wear white to symbolize their purity. Any bride who wears a cream-colored dress is a slut and a hussy.

8. Have you considered spelling out the name of your groom in the flowers of your bouquets? Gimmicks like this mean you really love your groom, and will help the marriage last at least for the first two years.

9. If you want to have children in your wedding, it is important to smack them around before the ceremony. This will ensure that they know not to get out of line or detract from the prince of the day (the groom) with their cuteness.

10. The bride’s garter should be removed by the groom in the sleaziest way possible,and the single gentleman guest who catches it should make sure to use rubber gloves when touching it to avoid any diseases.

11. When throwing rice, guests must make sure not to get any rice in the ears of the bride or groom, as a grain of rice could lodge in an ear and cause permanent deafness.

12. If the bride’s parents are helping plan the wedding, they must double check every decision in etiquette guides and bridal magazines to make sure that an original idea doesn’t somehow slip into the wedding.