Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The GLORY!blog Brings You the Presidents of the United States of America: The 1800s/1700s


William McKinley
One of the assassinated presidents where you don't remember where you were the day he was killed.


Grover Cleveland
One of my favorite presidents, cause he did so many things unique to a president, like getting married during his second term. If any cockeyed thing a president did ever comes up in a trivia game, guess Cleveland.


Benjamin Harrison
Known as the first president to get rid of those ridiculous old fashioned ties and wear a regular necktie.


Grover Cleveland
No, you're not seeing double! It's Grover again! He was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. Didn't I say cockeyed? Was once overheard saying, "Don't I get two paintings in the White House?" Later a Muppet was named after him.


Chester Arthur
Boasted that he had the "world's largest naturally-occurring bosom" and starred in the movie Deadly Weapons.


James Garfield
Likes lasagna, naps, and his teddy bear Pookie.


Rutherford B. Hayes
Removed liquor from the White House, causing "speakeasies" to appear all over the West Wing. Was friends with Edward G. Robinson.


Ulysses S. Grant
When asked why he was so motivated to be the general for the Union during the Civil War, Grant said, "For the same reason as General Lee. I just happened to be born on this side." When asked if this was some statement on the nature of "truth" and how it was often relative to chance occurrences, Grant bellowed, "Just pour me a drink, goddammit."


Andrew Johnson
There is a famous photograph of Andrew Johnson, taken a few moments after President Lincoln was shot, holding a sign reading "Now what?" This "Oh shit, now I gotta be president" philosophy carried him throughout his term.


Abraham Lincoln
Often considered our greatest president, one of his notable achievements is being tall enough to give actor Ted Rooney lots of roles. Abraham Lincoln was killed on Good Friday, shifting the holiday immediately from being about Jesus' death to Lincoln's, which -- if you think about it -- really explains the bunnies.


James Buchanan
The only president who never married, giving him the nickname to this day of "that gay queer."


Franklin Pierce
Better known as "Hawkeye" to his friends, Pierce was as skilled a surgeon as he was a prankster and lover. His arch nemesis was Frank Burns, who was of course responsible for the Mexican War.


Millard Fillmore
Though a happy fellow during his administration, once Abraham Lincoln became so admired, Fillmore turned into an old curmudgeon who was constantly heard shouting, "I came from a log cabin too, you idolatrous motherfuckers!"


Zachary Taylor
Provided names for several young boys born in the early 1990s.


James K. Polk
A dark horse from Nashville, known as "Napoleon of the Stump." Austere and severe, he held few people dear. His oratory filled his foes with fear. He seized the whole southwest from Mexico, made sure the tarriffs fell, and made the English sell the Oregon territory. He built an indepedent treasury. Having done all this, he sought no second term.


John Tyler
The first vice president to become president due to an assassination, earning him the title "His Accidency," a name he doubly resented as his parents didn't want him either but were forced to have him since the president at the time of his birth, George Washington, was pro-life.


William Henry Harrison
The president most fond of asking the question, "When was the war of 1812?"


Martin Van Buren
When seeking his second term, he lost due to the fact people thought the ticket "Free Soil" was even more silly sounding than "Whigs."


Andrew Jackson
"Old Hickory" was the first hillbilly in the White House, winning the election by a huge popular vote and setting the stage for other "common men" of the future. Once when leaving the front door to the White House open, a cabinet member asked Jackson, "Were you raised in a barn?" whereupon Jackson answered yes, shot the man, and mounted him in what would eventually become the Lincoln Bedroom, but which was known at this time as The Head Huntin' Room.


John Quincy Adams
Son of John Adams, known simply as "Q" or sometimes "The Q-Man." Unlike the middle initialled son of a president Adams preceeded, Q more or less did good stuff. See Amistad for more info.


James Monroe
The Monroe Doctrine wasn't named until 20 years after his death. Much later than that Too Close for Comfort would make its TV debut.


James Madison
Our fattest president, no doubt due to the delicious cakes his wife would constantly make. Of his wife, Madison's friends would often say, "Delicious of treat, enormous of teat."


Thomas Jefferson
A reluctant president, more keen on helping the country than seeking power for himself. At age 33, Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence. He later wrote a bill establishing religious freedom. Jefferson was the minster to France, leader of the Republican party (the old, good one), reduced the national debt by a third, aquired the Louisiana Territory from Napoleon, and helped to establish the University of Virginia. Today, of course, he is only known for having sex with a black woman.


John Adams
The Buzz Aldrin of presidents, John Adams' favorite activities were collecting William T. Riker action figures, never using the word also, creating works of art crafted in silver, listening to Art Garfunkel records, and taking dumps.


George Washington
America's first president, unless you count Samuel Huntington, Thomas McKean, John Hanson, Peyton Randolph, John Hancock, Henry Laurens, Maury Amsterdam, John Jay, Cyrus Griffin, and others. Washington was the first president elected by the people. The others were elected by the Continental Congress until the country could get itself in shape enough to begin true elections. But don't tell Iraq that!

These facts brought to you by the brilliant mind of Dr. Rusty W. Spell, seen below in the brand new doctoral regalia he just had delivered to him so he doesn't have to rent anymore and so he can wear his fresh "tam" rather than a boring old mortar board.

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