Sunday, September 18, 2005

The GLORY!blog Brings You the Presidents of the United States of America: The 1900s/early 2000s

As any good reader of the GLORY!blog knows, we know our politics. We also know our history of politics, and we thought we'd do our readers a service by telling you what you need to know about each president of the United States of America. We're going back in time, starting with our current president and going back to the early 1900s in this edition. But don't worry, we'll go all the way back to the very first in future installments.

George W. Bush
Our current boy. Nickname: Mr. Botchypants. Worst president in our lifetime? Probably.

Bill Clinton
Famous for getting his dick sucked by a fat-but-cute girl, the worst thing you can do as a public servant.

George Bush
No, you're not seeing double! It's a little-known fact that our current president's father was also himself the president. Those who are aware of George Bush Sr. primarily remember him as an SNL character.

Ronald Reagan
Well... he was the man who didn't leave well enough alone the idea that being a president was more about acting and showmanship, setting the stage for even bigger jokes like Arnold Schwarzenegger. At least Regan could do comedy.

Jimmy Carter
First president of Carrie's lifetime. Nicest, smartest, most humane president during our lifetime? Probably. Not that it made him a great president. Sometimes confused with George Washington Carver.

Gerald Ford
First president of my lifetime. Was never eaten by wolves, and was not delicious.

Richard Nixon
Woke America up to the fact that politicians -- don't be scared -- lie to you. Now do you lie about a Watergate break in, about getting your dick sucked, or about killing thousands on false pretenses? The choices are endless!

Lyndon Johnson
Possessing all the beauty and grace of a flaccid camel penis, Johnson was part of the conspiracy that had Kennedy killed (but don't tell them I said so) and showed what the country was like when run by your hillbilly school superintendant.

John F. Kennedy
Had third input sex with Marilyn Monroe on the Oval Office desk while mugging to news cameras in front of children as Jackie O. stood by to mop up with her monogramed "jizz rag," and everyone was charmed. As Clinton would later remark, "What the hell?" Was eventually killed by "Zippy, the Happy Magic Bullet."

Dwight Eisenhower
Tapped into America's increasing dumbness with his "I Like Ike" slogan. "It made me remember who to vote for, and who I liked," remarked voters of the day. His presidency today represents America during a time of innocence that never actually existed.

Harry Truman
Sherriff of the police department who tragically fell for an evil Asian seductress.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Probably the last truly good president we've had, showing that we should elect more cripples.

Herbert Hoover
Did he cause the depression? Let's say yes and simplify everything. The musical Annie seems to think so anyway. He sucks like... like, um, some vaccum cleaner.

Calvin Coolidge
Oh, dry quiet wit, why are you wasted on the old presidents that we'll never get to see on television?

Warren G. Harding
The "G" stood for gangster.

Woodrow Wilson
Wrote the song "This Land Is Your Land," which -- like Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" -- was actually a negative song, but is not seen as such.

William H. Taft
The president who didn't want to be president, probably because he wanted to spend more time with the moustache.

Theodore Roosevelt
When William McKinley was assasinated, it wasn't by some conspiracy and triangular cross-fire, it was by Teddy himself, cause he was a man. You know his motto: "Speak softly and carry a big dick which I slap around on bitches' faces to get my big dick really hard."

Tune in next time for the 1800s, and more history!