Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Christmas Trivia

Carrie and I spent probably too long watching the Sounds of the Season digital cable music channel on her TV this Thanksgiving (very nice, but too much "adult contemporary" Christmas--desperately needed some Chipmunks or Beach Boys), a channel that also showed us Christmas trivia. Here are some things we learned. (Yes, I have a good memory. And, yes, I looked some of the trivia up on the Google to get additional facts.)

* Tinsel is linked to spider webs. Apparently, a mother once cleaned the house for Christmas, including all the spiders, but they snuck out at night and danced all over the Christmas tree because it was pretty. When the Baby Jesus came by, he loved the spiders (because he made them), but he also didn't want the mother upset at the spider webs, so he touched them and made them shimmer like silver. Ta-dah.

* Montgomery Wards invented Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

* The white of the candy cane symbolizes purity. Three red stripes are for the Trinity, one big red stripe for Christ's blood.

* Holly was originally called the "holy tree." The blood of Christ dripped onto the berries to make them red, while the leaves became pointed like the crown of thorns.

* Originally Donner and Blitzen were Dunder and Blixem, meaning "thunder and lightning" in Dutch.

* Santa Claus was invented by the Coca-Cola company.

* Christmas Trees were meant to represent the tree of the knowledge of good and evil in the Garden of Eden. Presents are placed under the tree to represent when Adam and Eve "presented" themselves to the Lord when they realized they were naked. Originally presents were only given to those who had a grievance with you.

* The Twelve Days of Christmas were the Christian attempt to outdo the nine nights of the Jewish holiday Hannukah.

* The original song for "The Twelve Days of Christmas" was sexual in nature, meant to be sung between a husband and wife ("my true love"). Most of the euphemisms speak for themselves once you realize this (drummers drumming, pipers piping, ladies dancing, maids milking, golden rings); however, some of them were altered slightly (because they were too blunt when this became a children's song) or have no meaning in modern times. "Lords leaping" was originally "lovers leaping," "swans swimming" was "tongues swimming," "calling birds" referred to prostitution and/or mistresses of the husband, a "French hen" was a style of dildo similar to an Arab strap, "two turtle doves" was simply "two healthy breasts," and "a partridge in a pear tree" was a reference to a man's penis planted between the healthy breasts.

* Wreaths were hung in Roman times for victory in war. Wreaths were hung for Christmas to show Christ's victory over Satan/death.

* X is "Chi," a Greek letter used as an abbreviation for Christ, which is how we get "Xmas."

* The yule log was originally whittled into the shape of a penis and was offered by the husband as a sacrifice to appease and fool the gods who accepted actual penises in return for a prosperous year.

* The idea of the Christmas club -- a savings account for Christmas shopping -- was suggested in 1890 by President Benjamin Harrison.

* In the year 2003, only 15% of trees bought were real.

* Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday, in 1836.

* The day after Thanksgiving is not actually the busiest shopping day of the year. The actual busiest shopping day is not a constant, but changes every year--usually a day falling between May and August. The highest the day before Thanksgiving ever reached was the tenth busiest.

* Historians suggest that Christmas day, the day Christ was born, was actually October 14.

* Animal Crackers are made with strings on the boxes so they can be hung on Christmas trees.

* In 1822, holiday card and package mailing had gotten so out of hand that there was a law passed that limited individuals to fifteen pieces of mail in the month of December.

* In one of the oldest Christmas traditions (now extinct), the family would sit for Christmas dinner and wait for their most honored guest to eat first--but their most honored guest was meant to be Christ himself, so they waited in quiet for him to arrive and eat. Since of course he never showed up, it became the tradition for families to sit silently at the dinner table, hungry in front of their food, until they fell asleep.

* The traditional Christmas bird was originally not the turkey, but the peacock.

* The name "Tiny Tim" was the fourth choice for Dicken's A Christmas Carol, after considering Little Larry, Puny Pete, and Small Sam.

* Parts of the Christmas tree are edible.

* Christmas trees have to be cultured for their full branches. Trees grown in the wild are known by the industry as "Charlie Brown Trees."

* A lost tradition of Christmas is a magical nymph-like creature named Bungo who made halos from the light of baby laughter and was said to be the inventer of candy and other sweet treats.

* Hallmark introduced their first Christmas cards in 1915. They founded in 1910 as manufacturers of wallpaper.

* It is a British tradition that no vehicle is to be used on Christmas day.

* In World War II, if a soldier placed holly on his uniform during the month of December, it was an underground code between soldiers from both sides that they forgave each other and would meet each other in heaven if they should have to kill one another.

* Christ was born in a cave, not a wooden stable, since animals were kept in caves because of the intense heat.

* More babies are born on Christmas day than any other major holiday. There are usually about half as many suicides as babies born.

* Washington Irving was the first person to use the expression "Christmas carol" in his work The Sketch Book.

* Christmas was originally celebrated on the same day as Halloween in many countries.

* Saying "Merry Christmas" was originally a form of sarcasm, showing that one actually had a hatred for the holiday. It has sense become sincere.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, November 29, 2004

New Photos of Us!

Because I'm quick like a jack-rabbit, I've put some Thanksgiving pictures up already on The Carrie Hoffman Webpage. I won't link you directly to them because I want my counter on the main page to go up. Tommy "Dinkytown" Burton says that everyone is bored with pictures of me and Rusty because they're all the same, but you should remember that it's all about seeing me in different outfits.

You may notice that the new pictures look like Christmas photos since that's what this break really felt like. A Christmas preview. We put up my tree on Saturday. Throughout the break, when I wasn't coughing on the Spells in Pearl, MS, we listened to Christmas songs on the "Seasonal Sounds" music channel on my digital cable.

Here's a good photo of Rusty's ass, which we also decorated for Christmas, keeping in mind that "Jesus" is the reason for the season:




Saturday, November 27, 2004

What We Do When We're Finally Together

This is our holiday tradition that we've just invented: decorating Carrie's tits for the Christmas season.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Thanksgiving Boo

Going to see Hoffypants for Thanksgiving. Not sure if we'll post here during that time, but if we do, you'll be lucky guys indeed, because we're the best. No really. We rule... the universe. Didn't you know? Yeah, we do. So now you know, case you didn't.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

New Art

I drew this today. I think I may be onto something new.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Photo Trilogy

We take lots of photos that have fancy ideas around them, like that they need a "central image," so sometimes the background material is overlooked. So here are some close-ups of those backgrounds.

I had some good idea for these photos: close-ups as revelations, as interesting pictures unto themselves, as Conan O'Brien-ish "What Are These?" photos... but in the end, this is what you get. Whatever it is.



Close-ups reveal we had set up this Vampire Hunter game, which isn't that great even though it glows in the dark.



In case you didn't pay attention to the kind of stuff we ate at Disney World.



Where's Waldo? No, seriously? Where?



If you don't look close enough, you might miss Bigfoot's hot sister.



This car race line provided a little race-ial tension.



A close-up of a picture on Carrie's refrigerator. This is either Carrie or Carrie's mom at her age or Bigfoot's really hot sister.



Carrie's DVDs.



My instant-indie-cred-when-washed Alien T-shirt.



Carrie's beautiful eyeball.



Hardy Street, USA.



Something tells me this isn't how abortions actually go down. Sorry you can't read the name of the artist.



How Carrie would look to a person her size, instead of the normal size, which is someone the size of the rocking chair she was standing in front of.



These cats were totally making out on the beach.



San Fran.



This will help you play the "name as many books as you can" game I offered up a few days ago.



The original printout of "Baby, Baby, Boo!"s lyrics. (I just realized I wrote "bloats" instead of "blokes.")



The Snoopy "jew-harp" Carrie got me.

Hope you had fun. No more picture-searching for me for a while. Takes too long.

Rubby Bulbs.

P.S. I love Carrie.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

More Rarely Seen Photos

None of you chumps entered the Google Image Search contest. The answer was that I searched for the word "heart."


I guess I'll continue the little-known photos theme in this post and offer you this little known photo of Rusty's penis. I never posted it on my page because Rusty was embarrassed. I took this shot on the way to Disneyworld.





Among many other little-known photos are the ones we have taken of our feet. It wasn't until compiling them for this post that I realized how many of them there are.


This is the only well-known foot picture, I think. My foot, Rusty's head. Taken during last Christmas break.




Here are my feet in the living room just before we left for our trip to Miami. You can see that we'd been playing Mastermind.




These are Rusty's and my Nikes at the Visitor's Center in Everglades National Park. This picture, along with a photo of a box of money, confused my Grandma Strick.





Here are just Rusty's shoes. I always get happy when he wears his Nikes since it's not so often. Usually he's got his Sunday School shoes on.





Here are the same Nikes riding the WedWay in the Magic Kingdom. This was the same day that we went to Animal Kingdom, our very last day at Disneyworld, and our feet were very tired. The WedWay healed them.




Here's a rather artistic shot of my famous strap-around-the-big-toe sandals on the beach. My feet are all sandy, hence, sand-als. I bought these shoes for $8 in Miami four years ago; they're getting old and worn out, as you can see. I will be sad when they fall apart completely since they're a Classic Carrie item. Rusty's mom, Ava Spell, likes my sandals.





Not so artistic, but here are Rusty's Nikes on the same day.





These are my feet, with freshly painted toenails, in my fancy dress sandals that I wore to my brother's wedding. They were like futuristic space shoes. This nail polish color is Rusty's favorite. You'd think it would be the red, from the foot-on-the-head photo, but no.





This is the most recent foot picture: Rusty's bare feet at his apartment during fall break. Rusty has nice bare feet. Not crusty or bunion-y or callous-y. Mine are also soft and nice. We win the feet award.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Little Known Pictures

I'm sure most of you look at all our photo sites and the pictures we post here. But there are many pictures floating around that you don't see. Carrie once put up the "bad" pictures of us, looking ugly, but I'm just putting up rarities, or alternate versions of "famous" pictures. Enjoy.

The extremely rare "playing my Atari joystick games while Carrie is using me as a semi-ottaman" picture.

It's a bad picture of both Carrie and Ashton, but it is thus far the only.

I don't think this one of us at Main Street appears anywhere, maybe because of Greeny McGreenshirt behind us.

This is the less-disburbing funhouse mirror image of us. The other one makes us look like squat little fat midgets... you don't wanna see it.

Proof that some people just don't know how to take pictures. Some guy asked if we wanted him to take our picture, and he gave us this crappy shot.

Bug eyes.

Someone is downloading this right now for their album cover.

My happy boo running on the beach.

My bench.

Cutie in the robe.

If you need more convincing that Carrie is a cartoon.

Not sure what was going on here, but we've got more where this came from.

Hubba hubba wow wow hubba hubba baby baby yeah.

Taken tonight, it looks like a really disturbing yearbook photo. New haircut today.
Signed,
The Love Below.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Fun with Google

Here are some men named Hank.

Here are some ladies named Nora.

Rusty and I are now one week away from seeing each other, which is good because I miss Rusty.

And now, a contest: who can figure out the Google image search I did to find this photo:



Love,

Carrie

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

These Are the Kinds of Things We Say To Each Other (Volume One)


"These fridge packs aren't as easy to open as they used to be."

"I think they figured out that we like them, so they don't feel the need to make them as well anymore."

***

"I think you like the show because every woman on it is hot."

"No, I just like the show. The fact that every woman is smoking hot is a bonus."

"It's a pretty nice bonus."

***

"I just noticed my Halloween pumpkins are still up."

"I left my Christmas tree up last year until April."

***

"Remember Titus?"

"Yeah, my dad liked that show."

"I liked it too. I watched it."

"Really??"

***

"First Trapper John left and Henry died, to be replaced by BJ and Colonel Potter. Then Frank left, replaced by Winchester. Radar eventually left too."

"Fuck you."

***

"Why do you have all those keys?"

"I can name what almost all of them go to."

***

"I bought a desk set today for my office: stapler, scissors, tape dispenser, and paperclip holder."

"I bet the department would supply those for you if you asked."

"Mine are green."

***

"What are you typing?"

"That's my remote control again. It sounds like a lot of different things."

***

"You like to talk about the pocket of food he keeps on the side of his mouth while he's talking. You like to use the word pocket."

"I've also said pouch."

***

"Baby baby baby. Baby for baby."

"Boo boo boo. Baby for boo."

Monday, November 08, 2004

Happy Typhus-Blankets

Here's an MP3 of the song I've been singing for the past two weeks. It's from my new B-52s Greatest Hits album that Rubby-B bought me over fall break. Song for a Future Generation. When you see me, ask me to say the "Chinese noodles!" part.

It's now November, and somewhat cold--at least here in H-burg, which means it's time for the GLORY!blog to start celebrating Thanksgiving. Especially since that's the next time Rusty Hinges and I get to see each other and play with our pretend-baby, Ashton Spell. So here's a kickstart to the Thanksgiving celebration:

Sunday, November 07, 2004

6 Nov 2004

Quote of the night from a Rusty and Carrie conversation: "How would you get deli meats inside your ass anyway?"

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Nelly's Gonna Kill Y'all for Electing the Wrong President, America!



And now my concession speech:

You hear a lot from the President-Elect about my father's penchant for cocktail shrimp, and though my concession speech is supposed to be conciliatory, I must speak out. Yes, Leonard likes the cocktail shrimp. But ask not what he likes, ask what he does not like. The answer is nothing. Well, maybe anything coffee-flavored. But the point is, he will lovingly describe his last Lean Cuisine meatloaf meal. He is that dedicated to food. He shows no partisanship between "good" and "bad." He does not distinguish between "gourmet" and "average." This mischaracterization has allowed my opponent to distort my record, which I would like to reiterate for you, the dumb-ass American voters who I have a lot more money and education than. I would have a crack pipe for every child under my plan, whereas my oppenent would give them "books" and "computers." I would behead more Americans in the middle East. Every day would be a holiday like 9/11 if I were in office.

Nevertheless, we must come together as a union and support our new president. President Bush (He Wants Some) will be doing a lot for you at his vacation apartment in Texas. We need to support him so that the terrorists don't win.

By the way, did you ever notice how much Obama seems like Osama with one different letter?

Monday, November 01, 2004

Blues the Vote! -or- Acid Jazz the Vote!

Sorry about that fake post earlier. That was me being lazy. This is the real one. This is me trying.


It doesn't matter who you vote for,
as long as someone told you which one you like better.

Look. We know it's a hard decision. Both are cute, both wear glasses, have brown hair, have IQs more or less over 100, enjoy long walks on the beach, think that abortion is "something fun to do on a rainy weekend," supported "prop 14" in 1978, would really like to have kids so they can send them off to war, think that what Jesus said was "a good idea" whereas what Hitler said was "kinda crummy." They support gay marriage, but then again they still use the word "gay" as "happy," so maybe they're confused.

Both were educated in the Center for Writers at the University of Southern Mississippi where they won the Joan Johnson award, and are now forthcoming in the same issue of The Georgetown Review for stories that involve humans and various emotions. Both have dot coms of their names. Both have definite plans to hunt down and kill Bin Laden, but not before they buy all the Ben Casey TV shows on DVD (and perhaps all the Bonanza episodes with Ben Cartwright... oh, and get a vinyl single of that early Michael Jackson song "Ben"). In many respects, they are the same person. So who to vote for?

We'll make this simple. There are a few things that make the candidates different.

  • Hoffman prefers early Beatles, while Spell prefers late Beatles.
  • Hoffman thinks the Lord of the Rings movies are "bad," where Spell thinks they are "good."
  • Hoffman thinks the glass if half-full. Spell thinks that it's half-full also, but sometimes with Dr. Pepper where Hoffman almost always has Coke.
  • Hoffman was a war hero in Vietnam. Spell watches a lot of M*A*S*H.
  • Spell doesn't allow his composition students to write about gay marriage anymore due to boredom. Hoffman still allows it.
  • Hoffman chose J. Todd as her running mate. Spell chose a stuffed animal his fifth grade teacher Mrs. Rancifer gave him for perfect attendance.
  • Spell is someone you'd like to have a beer with. Hoffman is someone you'd like to be your designated driver.
  • Spell has a family history, with his father previously being in the position he's running for. Hoffman's father really likes cocktail shrimp. (Note: Spell's father actually just won the 1993 Christmas office party "Twist Contest.")
  • Hoffman works in the LIBERAL Arts Building, while Spell is CONSERVATIVE with his money spent on books.
  • Spell uses the word "pipe-clogger" on a daily basis, where Hoffman prefers "semen loaf."
  • Hoffman's celebrity endorsement: Nelly. Spell's celebrity endorsement: Topanga.
  • Famous TV sound bite spoken by Hoffman: "Ask not what Jeeves can answer for you. Ask Google." Famous TV sound bite spoken by Spell: "I have a dream... that I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and sometimes I go up against Frank Burns."
  • What friends say about Spell: "He's an egotistical bastard. I love him." What friends say about Hoffman: "What is she doing with that guy?"
  • One has a penis, one has a vagina. Figuratively!

They may appear to be friends,
but they secretly plot each others demise.


ELECTION '04

VOTE HOFFMAN OR SPELL!
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
FUCKING DECISION OF YOUR LIFE!!!




* paid for by Saddam Hussein