Trying to counteract Rusty's last post

The Life of Riley

The new comic and all its celebrity babe obsessed backgrounds.

Carrie got to see Pia. I like Pia. She's a hot lady. She said of us on her site that the gloryblog was strange and funny, "in a sometimes awful way." For my part, I know I used to be a lot worse. Here's a picture of me from 1997 with my favorite canned drink.



Phil Silvers

I Was Gone

I've been traveling and neglecting the GLORY!blog again, this time without Rusty . . . My good old pal Courtney, who lives in Tejas, was in New Orleans this weekend since she'll be moving there for law school this fall. So I hopped in the Jetta to meet her there. I also got to see the famous Pia ZE, GLORY!reader and big sister extraordinaire. Pia is looking fabulous, as always. After Pia and I got all caught up on writerly gossip on Friday night, I picked Courtney up from the New Orleans airport. We found her an apartment on Saturday and wandered around the Garden District and the French Quarter. We also saw the Mississippi River and rode streetcars. We spent Sunday buying tank tops and eating Po Boys until Courtney had to get back on the big plane toward Texas.

Here we are by the mighty Mississippi:

In future news, we expect some Rusty-Carrie posts soon soon soon! Prepare for Valentine's Day in July, which we will celebrate on July 14th. Before that, look for us eating sandwiches in Sweet Peppers Deli. Or knock on my door. We may or may not let you in.

Reading Materials for Your Arse

In case you're not tired of reading about me and Carrie at Disney World. Go to We Like Media and read our article.

I will return on a more glory-inspired day.

Rusty-Glyph

You know, uh, Rusty and I didn't really want to talk about this because it was kind of, well, freaky...but at one point in our Disney trip, Rusty stepped into a phone booth and became one of my aliens.

In the Cups

This is Carrie in the cups.

Carrie said to me, "You need to do better." But it shall not be today.

Or will it...



Gordon Lish.

Various and Sundry

Well, my broken pelvis got fixed late on Saturday and so I had just one day left in my week as an old woman. I spent today doing typical old lady things. Driving really slowly on major streets. Getting in people's way at Wal-Mart. Sitting around and getting in the young people's business. I've learned valuable things about being old and, hopefully, given you some important social messages. Like, that wheelchairs are difficult to get around in. Or sometimes old people are neglected. Or old people are people, too. I'm glad I had to insert myself into the life of an old person and do the same thing every day to learn this. There's probably some corporation I can blame it on, too. Maybe it's Wal-Mart's fault. I usually see a bunch of old people there.

This is what Rusty and I will look like as an old couple:

Only our faces will age. Our bodies will be as hot as ever!

In the opposite of old people news, here is a fashionable baby:



This is Texas:


And this is Mississippi:



Fuck them.



Oh, and in response to Rusty's online chess game, I offer this move:

d4 Nf6

Choco-Turd

Carrie's post depressed me.

I'll report on the T-shirt later. Like when something big happens.

Q: What do you call a bedroom that connects two other rooms?
A: The linkin' bedroom.

I make up jokes like that in my sleep.

Life as an Old Person: The Report So Far

In my first days as an old person, I learned a lot. I took the bus went down to the local nursing home to see if I could blend in and experience life as many old people do: abandoned, sad, pathetic. I really spent some time there. The halls of the home smelled like urine, but I found some great people who truly believed I was 76 years old. The first person I met was Brian, a local high school kid who was there to fill in some volunteer hours on his college application. He was a real nice guy who told me I reminded him of his grandmother. Here we are:

I also met some great old friends. We sat around and played BINGO and talked about the days when a gallon of milk cost a nickel. I had dinner with a group and they told me that they’d raised their kids with good morals and lots of love, but now their kids were too busy to come visit them in the nursing home. Everyone mashed their dinner into a sauce of sorts because, as they told me, they didn’t have any teeth left. One old man pissed himself and had to be whisked away from the table.



My new best friend is Helen. She says I remind her of her sister. She told me she’s already picked out her casket.



While I was at the old folks’ home, I decided since I was already there, I’d go ahead and be artistic so I took this great photo -- the kind you rarely see -- of an old man’s paper thin hands. I think it says a lot.



My next day of being an old woman wasn’t as much fun. This was the day I learned how hard it is to get around in a wheelchair. I was planning on wheeling myself around the mall that day, and I was getting ready to go out and trying to lift myself from the couch to the wheelchair when I took a nasty fall. I was down on the ground, and I could have easily just gotten up, but I’m dedicated to my art you see. So I decided to lay there, the way an old, brittle-boned woman would, and wait for help. I lay there for five hours, calling out so that a neighbor might hear me. Here I took some photos so you can see what it was like:



By four o’clock, the exterminator showed up and was shocked. “Granny,” he said, “Are you okay?” I used a shaky voice to tell him to call the paramedics. They took me to the hospital and diagnosed me with a fractured pelvis.

I’ve spent all day today in the hospital. A nice woman named Sharon is taking care of me. No one comes to visit me -- they're wrapped up in their own lives, I guess. In my day, no one was too busy to take some time for the old folks.


It turns out that there's danger around every corner for old people. I'm learning a lot of valuable lessons. It'd be easy to give up, but I feel I need to share my experiences with the world.

It's All About the T-Shirt

Sorry for the delay. It's been a rough three days.

Day One: Monday, 14 Jun 2004
This was the day that I had to set a lot of people straight. At first the concern was that I was becoming even too sloppy for me at work. I almost always wear jeans when I teach class, but I at least wear some sort of presentable shirt. So I got some odd at-a-distance "What's up with the T-shirt?" looks from other professors. The ones who got a little closer read the shirt and asked what it was in reference to. I told them "Tyrant Thames" and they told me how they'd heard of it.

All that was fine until...

People started totally misunderstanding! Everyone thought I was protesting President Thames! Why are people so dumb. "No, no, no," I said. "It's all about the T-shirt. I don't care about Tyrant Thames." I don't even know if I'm spelling his name right. "Oh, you like the quote." I gave up. I figured it would sink in.

My students didn't say a word.

Day Two: Tuesday, 15 Jun 2004
Students were the first to talk. Pretty girls smiling and saying "Didn't you wear that yesterday, Dr. Spell?" Why, yes; I was glad they noticed. They didn't question me much. I like students for that. They seem to understand what's what. They're at the age where they still want to change the world... like me.

But then with the faculty again. "Man, you really hate this guy, huh?" or "Do you just like William Lloyd Garrison?" At this point I'm thinking I wish I had chosen a plain white T-shirt, but I can't back out now. In fact, this gives me even more purpose. Maybe the more I wear the shirt, the more people will understand that it's all about the shirt. People only see what's on the surface, some message. They don't see the fabric underneath.

A guy at a the gas station I go to everyday to buy my daily 20 pack of Coke said, "Nice shirt, senor." I liked him the best.

Day Three: Wednesday, 16 Jun 2004
Things took a turn today. The secretary of the department had put a button-down in my mailbox by lunch. One of my colleagues said, "You're not washing that thing, are you?" Right. Right. This is where it starts. This is what it's all about.

I've kept the shirt really clean. I'm not going to do anything to it on purpose, nothing I wouldn't normally do to a shirt. I don't want to hinder this thing. It's so delicate. The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the T-shirt is true.

In other news...

I'll let Carrie tell you all about her personal quest. I don't want to spoil the excitement, though of course I know all.

About the Lean Cuisines: oh, you just try it and see what happens. I assure you, the times are accurate.

I half and half like The Polyphonic Spree. Good idea poorly executed? When it works, it works well. "Days Like This Keep Me Warm" is very beautiful, like mayonaise bread. But, yes, Carrie and I will -- self-knowingly -- follow the day and reach for the sun.

Carrie and I are going to start a chess game on the GLORY!blog. Set up your boards and follow along. Here's my opening move:

P-K4 (e4)

Tried and true.

Life With Old Folks

I was inspired and excited when talking with Rusty about our planned homage to Morgan Spurlock, how we would do the same sociological experiment every day, not knowing how it might turn out, and suffer through it for our art. I'd planned on wearing a t-shirt every day like Rusty, and even had this one picked out:

But then I thought, what if, out of my art, I could do some more good. I started thinking about my two senior citizen friends, Lyle and Barbara Jean, and I wondered this: what life must be life for them? I mean, I'm young, and thin, and attractive, and I can walk around the mall without falling and breaking my hip. And they're fat and old and last year Lyle had to have surgery on his knee. They are always smiling, but I think they're just masking their pain as they wait to die. Here we are at Christmas. It was really nice of me to visit them.



So in order to see what life is really like for old people, I decided I'd disguise myself as an old person for a week and see what problems I encounter, how people react. I got my make-up artist friend to put some make up on me and some prosthetics to make me wrinkly and ugly like Lyle and Barbara Jean. Here's what I will look like for the rest of this week:



Hideous and old and poor is what I'll be. Also, I'll be going everywhere on public transportation (can you imagine?!) and in this wheelchair to your left. If there's any comfort, it's that I get to shed myself of these impediments after a week. Luckily, I'm dedicated to my art. And I'll probably learn some valuable lessons about being an old person that most of us don't already know. If it turns out that it's difficult to get around in a wheelchair, I'll let you know.

Cheer me on, people!

Can a T-Shirt Change the World?

I've been so inspired my Morgan Spurlock, the genius behind Super Size Me who ate nothing but McDonald's three times a day for a month to prove that it was bad for you -- that I've decided to do a little suffering for my art and for the social good of my own.

See this T-shirt? It will be the only shirt I wear, every day, for the rest of June and through to the middle of July. The 14th through the 14th. I'm hoping to form some interesting conclusions from this, though I'm pretty sure you know what I expect. I mean, I know I can't be as influential and self-sacrificing as Mr. Spurlock, but I can do my small part, by god.

I should also give credit to other inspirational stories, such as the woman academic/writer Carrie told me about who worked at Wal-Mart and lived only on its wages so she could write a book about the experiences. What courage!

I hope that you guys will cheer me on as I do this, because it is for you. And don't try to talk me out of it, because I'm completely committed. I think that my gal-pal Carrie will join me in a similar pursuit, either wearing her own T-shirt every day or some other idea she'll come up with. With her love, companionship, and encouragement (and yours!), I think I can make it.


(A close-up of the message written on the T-shirt).

Peace. I'm going to go protest in front of Nancy Reagan's house now for her husband being such a jerk.

GLORY!blog Uncensored

By now you've all seen our vacation photos and you love them almost as much as we do. We like to look at them every day. People are always telling us how cute and happy and sexy we look in our photos, and it's true. We're practically celebrities. So I had an idea to do a GLORY! version of the E! television show Celebrities Uncensored -- that show where you see Hollywood celebrities caught by paparazzi in their worst moments.

Rusty and I don't always take such perfect photos of each other, though it's common for us since we put our L-U-V in the camera lens. And perfect photos are getting more and more common now that we both have our fancypants digital cameras. Also, we know how to work the clone-the-zit-out feature on Photoshop.

Here are some uncensored Carrie-Rusty moments in which we look our worst --faces like oil slicks, ugly squints, dumb looks in general. This is purely for your amusement. We are not always perfect though most of the time we are.

The sad thing here is that Rusty wanted me to give him some kind of sweet I'm-about-to-kiss-you look and instead I gave him grease face and gross lips.


Nothing says "Come hither" like Rusty with four eyes, an eyebrow zit, and weird blotchy skin.


This is what I looked like recording "And Then He Kissed Me" -- not nearly as cute as when I recorded Hubba Hubba


This photo does not show off Rusty's magnificent tan.

There, from now on, buy into the beauty that we present to you, and pretend we got ugly here because we were so into our "characters."

Jerkface Baggins

The funny thing is, that's how Darren always dresses. Click here to listen to a RealAudio of "Darron." Rock and Roll Baby.

So the new Jerkface of the Glory Blog is Morgan Spurlock, the idiot who made that Super Size Me documentary where he ate McDonald's three times a day for a month to "prove" it was bad for you. Yeah, last month I ate nothing but baby carrots three times a day and got really sick--I guess they're bad for you too. Carrie told me she only went to one store all last month -- an expensive jewelry store -- and that's all she ever bought... that proves it's expensive.

He was on The Daily Show and showed exactly how stupid he was. Maybe the most pointless thing he said was "You know," taking conspiratorial tone, "they never show Ronald McDonald eating the hamburgers." Wow, you just blew my mind!

The above was meant to be glorious complaints, so as not to get too far off track here. Whatever: shiny object, here's a pretty picture:

It's Crazy What Humans Can Do

GLORY!Readers should welcome Kalyna Chase into the world, brand new daughter of our pals Kristina and Darren in Buffalo. Kristina is famous for being sweet and singing "Our Hurricane" at Rusty's live shows and Darren is famous for once saying, "The devil you say!" which we stole. Kalyna will be famous for wearing baby alien gear. Kalyna has two famous older sisters named Hannah and Parker, famous for their cuteness.

The New Direction

You gotta love that girl.

In the Boo-boo Room

Rusty needs to learn that he can't just drop things into the GLORY!blog without contextualizing them: somehow the knob from his mixer got left behind in my apartment after he drove back to Texas, and it was on the floor, and I stepped on it, and it stabbed into my bare foot, and hurt me, and I didn't know what it was, but it turned out it was Rusty's knob, and he needed his precious knob, and so I had to wrap the knob in a paper towel so it wouldn't pierce through an enevelope, and then mail the knob, and then see that Rusty said "This is what I have to deal with" about the nice note I included with the knob when I sent it so nicely back to him.

There. This is why Tommy thinks I don't make jokes. It's because I always have to spend my time explaining Rusty's posts.

Here is a treat for the GLORY!readers:This site is pretty cool -- it gives a history of Disney World through postcards.

Excuse me if this is incoherent, but I've been without air conditioning in my apartment since Friday and I'm, in the words of Missy E., really really hot.

If you love us, drop us a comment.

"The Knob"

This is what I have to deal with...

So maybe you've seen our pictures on Carrie's site, but you haven't seen them with my witty captions yet (or with my specially Photoshopped versions). So...

The new stuff starts here.

The Disney pictures are here.

Carrie Introduces a New Cartoon

Rusty's Gears and For To Get Back In Them

"Why is Rusty such a butt-hole?" That's the question on everyone's mind right now. The answer may come one day.

Thanks to Samantha for the glorycomments. Everyone should read the glorycomments as part of their daily gloryhomework.

"I didn't even know I was sexy."

Fans of the Rusty Spell Photo Album should sit tight. I'll have my stuff up there soon. It's taking me these few days since I've been back to "get back in gear." I'm not currently in gear--I'm still grindin' and findin'. But this post is part of the gear, and the photo album will be, and the movie and music reviews, and whatever fun is lying around. Having fun is hard.

Carrie's got the sweet gig this summer of logging in for five minutes to make sure people have written memos for her online technical writing class. She also gets to hang out with FBX and Riedles for money. Some people have to work for a living. I'm away from home every day from 9:30 to 1:30! You hear that? Four hours! It's horrible!

If any gloryreaders have Disney pictures online (or that you will now put online), you should let us know and we can link them. We like looking at Disney pictures. Disney.

So here are some phrases that people might do a Google search for and arrive here.

• strap-on
  
• Walt Disney Treasures racist
  
• Buffy Willow lesbian
  
• interchanging midi-gen mechanizing card port
  
• I'll get you, Tammy
  
• Coke bottle insertion
  
• free research papers
  
• Pavement 7 inches
  
• Wonder Woman fetish
  
• T-shirt politics
  
• NobyRaven
  
• using turds as magic markers
  
• Charisma Carpenter Playboy
  
• Snoop Doggy Dog Bojangles
  
• abortion violence and sex in the media parents to blame
  
• I thought you were my boyfriend
  
• butt-plug instructions
  
• Cine El Rey
  
• big titties
  
• beta max
  
• Thief 3: Deadly Shadows
  
• Jewish hairy are you American
  
• Carrie Rusty gloryholes
  

Comic soon...