Monday, November 01, 2004

Blues the Vote! -or- Acid Jazz the Vote!

Sorry about that fake post earlier. That was me being lazy. This is the real one. This is me trying.


It doesn't matter who you vote for,
as long as someone told you which one you like better.

Look. We know it's a hard decision. Both are cute, both wear glasses, have brown hair, have IQs more or less over 100, enjoy long walks on the beach, think that abortion is "something fun to do on a rainy weekend," supported "prop 14" in 1978, would really like to have kids so they can send them off to war, think that what Jesus said was "a good idea" whereas what Hitler said was "kinda crummy." They support gay marriage, but then again they still use the word "gay" as "happy," so maybe they're confused.

Both were educated in the Center for Writers at the University of Southern Mississippi where they won the Joan Johnson award, and are now forthcoming in the same issue of The Georgetown Review for stories that involve humans and various emotions. Both have dot coms of their names. Both have definite plans to hunt down and kill Bin Laden, but not before they buy all the Ben Casey TV shows on DVD (and perhaps all the Bonanza episodes with Ben Cartwright... oh, and get a vinyl single of that early Michael Jackson song "Ben"). In many respects, they are the same person. So who to vote for?

We'll make this simple. There are a few things that make the candidates different.

  • Hoffman prefers early Beatles, while Spell prefers late Beatles.
  • Hoffman thinks the Lord of the Rings movies are "bad," where Spell thinks they are "good."
  • Hoffman thinks the glass if half-full. Spell thinks that it's half-full also, but sometimes with Dr. Pepper where Hoffman almost always has Coke.
  • Hoffman was a war hero in Vietnam. Spell watches a lot of M*A*S*H.
  • Spell doesn't allow his composition students to write about gay marriage anymore due to boredom. Hoffman still allows it.
  • Hoffman chose J. Todd as her running mate. Spell chose a stuffed animal his fifth grade teacher Mrs. Rancifer gave him for perfect attendance.
  • Spell is someone you'd like to have a beer with. Hoffman is someone you'd like to be your designated driver.
  • Spell has a family history, with his father previously being in the position he's running for. Hoffman's father really likes cocktail shrimp. (Note: Spell's father actually just won the 1993 Christmas office party "Twist Contest.")
  • Hoffman works in the LIBERAL Arts Building, while Spell is CONSERVATIVE with his money spent on books.
  • Spell uses the word "pipe-clogger" on a daily basis, where Hoffman prefers "semen loaf."
  • Hoffman's celebrity endorsement: Nelly. Spell's celebrity endorsement: Topanga.
  • Famous TV sound bite spoken by Hoffman: "Ask not what Jeeves can answer for you. Ask Google." Famous TV sound bite spoken by Spell: "I have a dream... that I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and sometimes I go up against Frank Burns."
  • What friends say about Spell: "He's an egotistical bastard. I love him." What friends say about Hoffman: "What is she doing with that guy?"
  • One has a penis, one has a vagina. Figuratively!

They may appear to be friends,
but they secretly plot each others demise.


ELECTION '04

VOTE HOFFMAN OR SPELL!
IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
FUCKING DECISION OF YOUR LIFE!!!




* paid for by Saddam Hussein