Thursday, September 09, 2004

The Best Story Ever

"If you don't want to be the jerkface of the gloryblog, you'd better post," Carrie told me, flicking a piece of lint from her pants.

"Okay, but no one reads it anyway," I said. I grimaced.

"Thirteen people checked today," she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." She had me again. I turned on the computer which gave a satisfying CLICK. I was going to post for her, whether I felt like it or not. I hadn't slept in days--or it felt like it. But here I was, up again, alone, while she slept soundly in our bed.

The day started like any other day. I ate my usual breakfast of sugar cereal and a cup of coffee. Man, I love coffee. I swear, it has crack in it. I swear it does. Suddenly I knew my life had changed forever... when IT BEGAN.

My contact lenses were bothering me again, but I know everyone thought I was crying. Shit, I had plenty of reason to cry. I mean, I'm no pussy or anything, but if someone had you by the short-hairs like this, you'd cry too. You'd cry bloody murder and believe you me.

I was going to kill that damn alarm. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! Why do they have to sound like that? BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ! "Okay!!" I yelled to it, as if it could hear me. Sometimes I think inanimate objects are my friends more than people I know. Jerks.

Carrie liked me, and she was pretty, but then again she was also a sand mutant, so it all evened out. I woke up with sand in my butt-crack every morning, and that shit takes TIME to get out. Showers? Nah... try something else. I took tic baths with my dog. My dog was a three-legged canine named "Lucky." We called him that because at least he didn't have only two legs.

"Well, if you had two legs, Lucky, maybe you could learn to walk like us!" my sister used to joke. That was before she died. In the car accident. Shit. I hate cars now. Except my first car. She was a beauty. They don't make 'em like that no more.

So anyways, here I was was typing away when Carrie peered over my shoulder and smelled my hair. "You're using my shampoo again, aren't you, honey?"

Pansy shit. I wouldn't dare. Okay, maybe once, but I was completely out of my man-poo. That's what she calls it. It smells like hickory and dick-after-sex.

"Pia's coming over today," Carrie said. I liked Pia. Maybe too much, and maybe Carrie knew it. She sometimes caught me looking at her shoes under the table, but I think she secretly liked it. She wouldn't dare say.

"Hmmm hmmm." I pretended not to care. The phone rang. "Hello," I said. Obviously. What a jerk-hole I am sometimes. God, I want to kill myself with my own puke and guts.

"Would you like to buy a lightbulb for the blind firefighters of Ethiopia?" a tinny voice said on the other end of the phone, some sort of Sally Struthers wannabe. Bitch. Fat bitch. I couldn't believe her. The NERVE!!!!

"FORGET YOU, ASSSSSSSSSSS!!!" I said, and slammed the phone. Then picked up and said, "I mean it!" I heard her crying, but I didn't care. I was empty inside. No one could touch me and no one wanted to. My shirt had a hole in it and I had a hairline crack on my front tooth, browning.

"Jesusbloodyassholechrist," said Chair Chair. He was a friend of ours from across the street, and he heard me yelling into the phone. "Idiot much?" he said. Why did I put up with these things? Why didn't I move to Bulgaria. Or at least back into my mom's basement. Cheese crackers. Cheese crackers were good there, so rich and orange. That particular orange only found in cheese crackers. If I had them. If I only had them. If.

So the next thing I know, Carrie's driving me across country -- to Fort Worth or some shit -- and when we get back home, Chair Chair and Pia are... you know... watching TV on our couch like they own the damn place. "Hey!" Carrie said, smiling. "Get your own digital."

"Yeah, MTV2 is on," I said, but I was really pissed. A man leaves his castle for three seconds and jeezussss...

Carrie took me by the hand, led me to the kitchen, lifted up her shirt to show me the tatoo on her stomach -- a dwarf -- and then kissed me on the forehead and said, "You know I love you, right? I mean, above all, you know this?"

I knew it. I could face anything with her if I allowed myself. I felt I had really changed.